


Don't F*ck with Phil Coulson's Cats

by Emmy1021



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alpha Bruce Banner, Alpha Bucky Barnes, Alpha Clint Barton, Alpha Natasha Romanov, Alpha Steve Rogers, Alpha Thor (Marvel), Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Cat!Vengers, Howard Stark Is a Dick, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, I think?, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mentions of Animal Torture, Minor Character Death, Mpreg, Multi, Omega Tony Stark, Pack Bonding, Pack Dynamics, They had it coming though, a few tiny spots of gore, abo is only with the cats, mentions of animal testing, nothing graphic with the cats, owner!phil, some violence, tagging just to be safe, this is a weird one you guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23622550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmy1021/pseuds/Emmy1021
Summary: Phil Coulson did not start out with the intention of becoming a crazy cat person, but God, or the universe, or maybe even Fury himself saw to it that he ended up as one anyway.  He takes another sip of tea from his mug and watches from his place on the couch as his 10 cats cause absolute chaos.  A weary sigh leaves his lips and he looks out the window, thinking back to the exact moment where his life went straight to hell.It started with Clint, because of course it did.orThat time I turned all the avengers into cats and added abo dynamics
Relationships: Bruce Banner/James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton/Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov/Tony Stark/Thor, Phil Coulson & Avengers Team, Phil Coulson & Pepper Potts
Comments: 41
Kudos: 255





	Don't F*ck with Phil Coulson's Cats

**Author's Note:**

> This is a weird one you guys. Ive been writing this for two days. My third published fic, also the longest thing ive ever written. A few warnings ahead of time, there are a couple parts where cats having limbs cut off is mentioned, but nothing graphic. some mention of animal testing, like a single sentence mentioning animal torture I think. There is a few mentions of human dismemberment, but in like, a funny way.  
> This is supposed to be a funny story guys, I swear. It did get away from me in the middle but the overall tone is comedic. Im making it sound dark, I swear to god its not.
> 
> In this universe, Stane doesn't exist, Howard never marries Maria, there are no Avengers, but SHIELD does exist. I made up my own abo rules with this one, and they apply strictly to cats. I use the term 'clowder' to mean pack, IRL its just what a group of cats is called. Tony gets scruffed by the other avengers a lot in this one which I guess could be non-con ish, but they are cats, with cat brains. Lets go with dub con just because of the inherit nature of abo. I also talk about omega cats being nested on, which is almost like a mother birds sitting on her chicks, except in this it biologically calms down omegas and releases their happy hormones.
> 
> If theres something you want me to tag, don't hesitate to let me know! Im really new to writing and I'm still learning how to post on AO3, so if forgot a tag, please let me know

Phil Coulson did not start out with the intention of becoming a crazy cat person, but God, or the universe, or maybe even Fury himself saw to it that he ended up as one anyway. He takes another sip of tea from his mug and watches from his place on the couch as his 10 cats cause absolute chaos. A weary sigh leaves his lips and he looks out the window, thinking back to the exact moment where his life went straight to hell.

* * *

  
It started with Clint, because _of course_ it did.

Clint, or Hawkeye as he was now known at SHIELD, was a blond tabby cat who lived in a dumpster near Phil’s downtown office. Phil struck up a kind of friendship with him, bringing him left over pieces of chicken from dinner and deli meat from his lunch sandwiches. In return, Clint would walk him to his office building’s front door, before allowing exactly three strokes down his back before running off to roll in some garbage or terrorize some pigeons, whatever it was street cats did. Clint was obviously an alpha cat, larger than the average beta cat with lean, strong legs and oddly intelligent and expressive eyes. 

Phil didn’t think too much about their odd friendship until he was responding to a bank being held up by some super powered thugs. The intel said that it was three men with magically charged weapons, who were all apprehended easily enough, but no one knew about the fourth man who could apparently turn invisible. Phil had just enough time to hear the whir of a magic weapon right behind him before a 20lb ball of rage slammed into the attacker, stopping the man from discharging into the back of Phil’s head.

It had taken 3 SHIELD agents to pry Clint off the man’s face, and the gore was horrific if the screaming was anything to go by. Clint had calmly walked over and sat on Phil’s feet, cleaning his paws daintily as if they weren’t covered in human skin and blood. He had seemed to be ignoring everyone entirely, but Phil noticed that his eyes never strayed from the downed criminal, and thus the legend of Hawkeye was born. All new recruits were warned of the terrifying alpha beast cat capable of “seeing things the human eye couldn’t” and how he “roamed the vents at SHIELD headquarters and would claw your eyes out before you even knew what was happening.”

(That happened, like, once and it was well deserved)

Needless to say, Clint claimed his spot in Phil’s heart and his home, and thus began Phil’s descent into madness.

Because with Clint came Natasha.

* * *

  
Natasha was a beautiful Chausie cat, an extremely rare breed that was both large and deadly. The day after officially bringing Clint home, Phil woke to the loud sounds of meowing. He groggily made his way towards the sliding glass door that lead to his back yard and found Clint waiting for him. There, sitting directly on the outside mat and staring right into Phil’s soul was what appeared to be a miniature cougar. His mind was taking a few minutes to register exactly what he was seeing, and Clint, losing patience, meowed loudly once more and lifted a single paw to the glass separating him from the gorgeous monster. Phil, not quite sure what came over him or why he was taking orders from a cat, opened the door and set in motion the second in a long line of terrible choices that led to his current cat predicament.

Natasha, much to Phil’s dismay, walked right in like she had been living there her whole life. Clint hasn’t stopped purring since. A trip to the vet confirmed his suspicions about their orientations, both alphas, and that both were healthy. Outside of a few scars, they were both in tip top shape. Which led to a second SHIELD legend, the Black Widow. Because where Phil went, Clint followed, and where Clint went, Natasha followed. 

She was beautiful with her golden red coat and long graceful legs; her steps made no sounds and her stealth was legendary. That first week led to a lot of screaming at SHIELD headquarters, and Phil still has no idea how the cats are even getting out of his locked house in the first place. But seeing as Natasha ended up saving his life from a Hydra agent disguised as a SHIELD agent, Phil can’t really complain about them accompanying him to work.

* * *

  
Things pretty much snowballed from there. 

The disguised Hydra agent led them to a Hydra laboratory that was apparently experimenting on animals, leading to both Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, the two biggest alpha cats he had ever seen in his entire life. The notes attached to their cages showed that both cats had been injected with a “super serum” in the hopes of making an army of animal soldiers (Hydra is so predictable these days).

Being a Captain America fanboy since his childhood, it only took the words “super serum” for Phil to immediately name the cats in his head, not realizing at the time that he had just signed his own death warrant. The notes also said that both cats are Norwegian Forest Cats, one of the largest breeds in the world, both alphas, and both brothers from the same litter, though it seems that that was where the similarities had ended. Steve’s notes threw around words like “uncooperative”, “stubborn”, “spiteful” and “willing to fight any and every one _all day_ ”.

Phil crouched down next to his cage and studied the cat. Steve met his gaze head on, a deep growl emanating from his throat, the very picture of **FIGHT ME**. Phil let out a deep sigh, already realizing were this was going. He stuck his fingers in his mouth and let out a piercing whistle, silencing everyone in the room. A thump could be heard in the corridor, and out of the darkness shot Clint, sprinting over to Phil and jumping on to his shoulders. The SHIELD agents had all screamed and scrambled away, prompting Phil to raise an eyebrow and make a mental note to talk to Fury about retraining agents. ‘Disgraceful,’ he thought.

For all his ferocity, Steve Rogers was a beautiful cat. Fluffy golden fur, piercing blue eyes and growl so loud Phil could feel the vibrations from it. Upon seeing Clint though, Steve’s growl stopped short and instead he took a step forward, letting out a soft and curious chirp. Clint, having zero qualms about this new cat apparently, jumped down and pressed up near the cage, letting out a few chirps of his own. After a few minutes of prolonged eye contact, Steve’s entire demeaner changed, relaxing and pushing his head through the bars and nuzzling Clint, which Clint reciprocated tenfold. Phil’s not entirely sure what Clint said to him, but whatever it was, it saved the day. Phil had cautiously raised his hand towards Steve, and Steve had happily started purring, encouraging Phil to push a hand through the bars and scratch behind his ears. 

Looking over his shoulder, he had met the incredulous stares of his fellow SHIELD agents, and Maria Hill’s knowing smirk, and with a weary sigh he quickly deduced that he would be adding a new member to the family.

But before he could allow himself to get carried away thinking about another vet trip and how much cat food he was going to need, there was one more cat to check over.

Bucky Barnes or as his chart called him “The Winter Soldier”, seemed to be Steve’s opposite. Just as large and fluffy as Steve, but a deep chocolate brown color, with dark blue eyes and a missing front leg that had been replaced with some sort of metal prosthetic. Phil felt his heart clench as he read over the poor animals’ notes, he and Steve were being used to compare fear-based training versus reward-based training in regards to the serum. Steve had been reward, though Hydra obviously didn’t count on an animal filled with as much indignant rage as Steve and the serum experiment was labeled a ‘failure’ with orders to have the cats culled that very week.

Bucky though… Bucky got fear unfortunately. His notes had painted a tapestry of torture, beatings, and neglect, though Phil had noted with pride that through everything he was still labeled as “uncooperative.” Even more, the last line had stated that the fear-based training had seemed to only increase his anger and aggression towards his captors, saying in bold letter **DO NOT INTERACT-EXTEMELY DANGEROUS.**

Phil took a deep breath and calmed himself, there was no use in allowing his emotions to get the better of him, especially when they had a whole group of Hydra scientist to… ‘interrogate’ when he got back to SHEILD. He smirked to himself, and the nearby agents had all swallowed and taken a step away from him as murderous energy seemed to seep out of him. 

Bucky had stared back at him with a hatred so deep it startled Phil. Whereas Steve had growled and took on a defensive position, Bucky stayed eerily silent and allowed his body to look unsuspectingly at ease, a trait Phil recognized in both himself and other top SHIELD assassins. Phil knew that how he handled this would determine Bucky’s entire future. With his own deceptively calm façade in place, Phil had turned his head and let out a soft “Tasha,” knowing that she would never stray far from Clint. And there, just like that, she had slowly climbed out from under a nearby shelving unit, causing the nearest agents to once again shriek and jump. A retraining for all the agents could not come fast enough, the fools.

Natasha slowly made her way over to him, bypassing Clint who was still very attached to Steve, communicating in their cat language.

She settled next to Phil and seemed to do or say something that caught Bucky’s attention, and then she very carefully rubbed her head against Phil’s knee and let out a purr. “This one is mine” she seemed to say. Bucky had stared at her for another 3 seconds before very minutely relaxing, and Tasha went forward and laid herself against the bars of Bucky’s cage, looking like she hadn’t a care in the world. Phil stood up and as he started to turn away from them, he caught Bucky very carefully lying down next to her. 

And so, Phil ended up with two more members of his family.

* * *

His next two cats came in the form of a wet Dr. Jane Foster on a rainy Tuesday morning. Phil had gotten a reputation around SHIELD the guy who takes in weird and unusual cats, which caused him to silently curse Maria Hill because that was clearly her handiwork.

  
Jane Foster was the lead consulting astrophysicist for SHIELD, a truly brilliant and vibrant woman who Phil had the pleasure of working with on multiple occasions. Finding her on his doorstep soaking wet and looking frazzled had all of Phil’s alarm bells going off. Steve, who Phil now affectionally called Cap, followed him to the door and sat silently next to his feet, clearly in full ‘Captain mode’ as Phil liked to call it. Seeing that it was Jane, Cap deemed her safe and made his way back to wherever Bucky was hiding.

“Phil, thank god you’re home, I need your help” she managed to get out, sounding out of breath. On the ground to either side of her were two large animal carriers and Phil felt his cat induced ulcer twinge in his stomach.

“Dr. Foster, this is a surprise. Please come in and allow me to call SHIELD HQ, and we can assi-“ 

“NO! No, sorry Phil, I can’t go to SHIELD with this, it has to be just you,” her shout caught him off guard, but he stepped aside to make room for her to come in. She hesitated, bending down to grab each carrier handle and very clearly was struggling to lift both. Phil quickly grabbed both from her, masking his surprise at how heavy they were and how she had even managed to get them out of her car to his front door in the first place.

Once everyone was inside with the door shut, he was able to get her dry and settled with a cup of tea and she told him what happened.

She had been doing some consulting work for the US Military and had found herself in an army base laboratory where they had been doing some… illicit animal testing. There she had found two cats being housed together, one clearly had been genetically altered much like his Steve and Bucky and the other… was maybe not from earth at all. The information attached to their cage had listed him as a classified species found in a classified location with no other information. 

  
“So, you’re saying that you stole two highly classified animals, one of which you think is an extraterrestrial, from a military base and brought them here to my house… and you want me to keep them?” He deadpanned to her, though he already felt his heart opening for two more, the damn thing.

“Phil, they were torturing them! They were doing all kinds of invasive testing on Thor and they were trying to weaponize poor Hulk! I couldn’t leave them there, and I had heard that you took in two other ‘special’ cats, and, and… Phil please!” 

“Thor and Hulk?”

“Oh, that’s what Darcy called them, I guess it just stuck” she stammered.

Phil heaved a sigh, looked at Janes face brimming with tears, thought her lugging out the cat carriers in the first place, somehow sneaking past all the security measures… speaking of which-

“How were you even able to get them out in the first place?”

Jane flushed a pretty red, “I, ah, I had Darcy, my assistant, with me, and we hacked into the security system and disabled the alarms and Darcy… tazed two guards before we ran for it. I was hoping that you might be able to ah, pull some strings?” she finished with a sheepish look on her face.

Phil gave her a bland stare before sighing heavily again and made his way over to the carriers.

“Ill call Director Fury and see if we can have them classified as SHIELD property, but Jane, you’re most likely going to lose your contract with the US government.”

“Oh, I don’t care about that, thank you Phil! I owe you big time!”

“Well, lets see what kind of cats we are dealing with here.”

* * *

‘Special cats’ turned out to be an understatement. Looking into the carriers, Phil felt a headache forming as two gigantic cats stared back at him. Hulk, as Jane said, was very clearly enhanced somehow. And Thor… there was something off about him. Though of the two, he seemed to be friendly, or at the very least, calm. Hulk was squished as far back into his cage as possible and growling, which wasn’t far considering he and Thor were both bigger than even Steve and Bucky. They both seemed to be Maine Coons or at least mixed with Maine Coons, but each probably weighed close to 30 lbs. Both exuded alpha energies, though he’d have to have Carol, his vet, make a house call to confirm for sure. ‘Six alpha cats,’ Phil groaned in his head.

Phil had no idea how he was even going to get them out of the carriers they were stuffed into, but that choice was made for him when his four other nosy cats came over to investigate the commotion. He motioned for Jane to step back, and they both watched, transfixed as his cats managed to completely soothe these huge monsters. Just like Clint and Natasha had done for Steve and Bucky, they were able to communicate and with a few small noises and a lot of nonverbal communication, Phil found himself opening both carriers, and accepting two new cats into his home.

* * *

  
In the end, Phil called in a favor to Fury, who called in a favor to Howard Stark, who threatened to end the military contract he had with the United States unless the charges against Dr. Foster and Darcy Lewis were dropped, and they transfer ownership of the animals to SHIELD. Phil’s not quite sure what went on between Fury and Stark for them to get a favor that big, but that’s a problem for another day.

Thor and Hulk ended up fitting in quite nicely. Thor was a beautiful cat (if he was even a cat), with the softest golden fur Phil had ever felt. He was huge in both stature and personality, getting along with Cap quite nicely, the two often play fighting and wrestling. Hulk had dark brown fur, and was a gentle giant with the other cats, only ever getting upset if he was startled too quickly. Both he and Thor were the biggest of the 6, followed by Steve and Bucky, and then Clint and Tasha. Which wasn’t saying much considering both Clint and Tasha were both well above average size for their cat breeds.

The odd thing was that even though all 6 were alphas, they got along perfectly fine. Carol, his vet, commentated on it when she came over to do a check up on Thor and Hulk. 

“You’re really lucky they get along like this, especially without an omega. I’ve seen some bloodbaths from people trying to bond multiple alpha cats without an omega, and even with an omega you almost always need some betas to balance it out. Your clowder has the most alpha cats I’ve ever seen, but they are all sweethearts.” She said this while petting Thors tummy, who was purring like an engine.

Phil thinks of his poor post man and winces. 

“I didn’t realize most people kept clowders.”

“Oh, most don’t, it’s hard to even find alpha cats, let alone omega cats that aren’t already in clowders. Id say about 90% of homes with cats have only 1 or 2 betas. The people that keep clowders are either breeders or they’re extreme cat enthusiast, its not an easy pet dynamic to deal with.”

“Hmm, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen an omega, now that you mention it.”

“Doesn’t surprise me, feral omegas are immediately snatched up by feral alphas the second they leave their moms and then they tend to form a clowder and they don’t really let the omegas away from the nest. Domestic omegas are almost exclusively bred for other breeders, so you almost would never see a house with just an omega or even an omega and beta or alpha. To be honest, its better that way, breeders typically know what they’re doing and can manage a true domestic clowder, it’s the other people that tend to lead to problems. They stick an omega with whatever cats they already have and expect cute babies, but that’s not how clowders work. Alphas are bigger and more aggressive for a reason; you add an omega and suddenly Mr. Cuddles has ripped an entire room of your house to shreds to make a nest and will attack anyone who comes near the nest or the omega. Now multiply that by however many betas they have, because betas take their cues from alphas in clowders, and now they have to call animal control and have all the cats euthanized.” She shook her head sadly. “I’ve seen it happen too many times.”

“That sounds awful,” Phil murmurs, petting a hesitant Bucky who is hiding behind his legs while Carol checks over Thor.

“It is. The good news is that most of this can be avoided with spaying and neutering! They still form clowders, but the aggression is cut in half, and you don’t have to worry about kittens. The only problem is that you can only spay or neuter after their first heat or first rut, and sometimes they’ve already formed clowders by then.”

Phil suppressed a shudder at the thought of any of his cats being an omega, and the carnage that could come from his super powered group of alphas. But Phil was lucky enough to not have to worry about any of that, so he said his goodbyes to Carol and fed his army of monster cats before going to bed.

And some unknown force somewhere must have heard this and smiled a nasty nasty smile.

* * *

It was another Tuesday afternoon, Phil’s only day off, when he found out why Howard Stark was so quick to help Director Fury and in turn, help Phil. He awoke to a pounding on the door, and upon opening it, had found himself face to face with Nick Fury himself.

“Director Fury, sir, I wasn’t aware we had a meeting scheduled today,” he said in his blandest voice with his blandest smile, letting the Director know exactly how much he appreciated being woken up on his day off. He then noticed that Fury was carrying a small animal carrier and immediately let out a protest.

“Shut it Coulson and get inside. We have business to discuss.”

“Sir, I really can’t take any more cats, I-“

Director Fury heaved a sigh and interrupted him, “Look, I know this isn’t an ideal situation, but I told you there would be consequences when you asked me for that favor with the last two cats.” He held the carrier up to Phil’s face, “Consequences, meet Agent Coulson.” Phil saw two big brown eyes and heard the softest little hiss, and felt his traitorous heart seize up.

Fury lowered the carrier back down, but let out a grunt of surprise, causing Phil to look as well. Somehow without them knowing, all 6 of his cats had snuck up on them and were all staring up at the carrier, eyes transfixed. Phil closed his eyes and counted to 10, before calmly asking “Director, is that an omega cat?”

Fury had the gall to look sympathetic and nodded.

“I absolutely refuse to-“

“ **Its not a choice, Phil** ,” Fury growled out. “Howard Stark is a conniving bastard on a good day, and the motherfucking devil himself on a bad. I had to make a deal with him to get you and Dr. Foster off the hook, and this is it.” He shook the carrier slightly, the creature inside letting out a sad ‘mrow’, followed by _all 6 of his alpha cats growling_. Both he and the director stood as still as possible as his cats seemed to settle back down, eyes still locked on the carrier.

“What was the deal, sir?” Phil asked softly, not wanting to make this horrible situation any worse.

“You have 6 of the strongest cats in the entire world, and Howard Stark knows it. He knows you took the rage monster,” he nods his head towards Hulk “and the alien,” he nods towards Thor. “He knows you have two super serum cats, and two cats that are able to sneak by all of the SHIELDS defenses.”

Phil feels his chest constricting, sees where the director is headed.

“He’s been experimenting on this omega, got him right when he was a tiny kitten and has been injecting him with a substance known as Extremis, which has _altered his DNA_. He heals faster than any other cat, _or human_ , can regrow limbs,” (Phil feels sick to his stomach), “and is incredibly intelligent.”

Phil whispers, “He wants kittens.”

Fury suddenly looks so incredibly tired, “He wants weapons. He wants what so many others have tried for and failed. He thinks with the combo of your alphas and his omega, he can make _his greatest creation_.” Fury shakes his head sadly, “For right now, you have to do this. The kittens will take time to be born, and maybe by then we will come up with something. Until then, you’re off duty. I want you here, keeping them safe. If there’s one thing I know about Howard Stark besides that he’s a raving lunatic and a drunk, he also has an ego the size of the moon. You can be sure he’s been showboating, and I imagine there are plenty of people who want the kind of weapon he’s talking about. We can’t let them.”

Fury hands him the carrier, says good luck and is heading for the door when Phil calls out to him, “What’s his name?”

“Tony”

* * *

Phil stand silently in the hallway by his front door, just holding onto the carrier and wondering what the line between hero and villain is. Oddly enough, he thinks of Captain America, how the only thing between him and world domination is a supposedly good heart. A weapon is a weapon no matter who wields it. Howard Stark is cutting off animals’ legs in the name of America, but he arrested the scientists who did the very same thing to Bucky because they were Hydra. 

He shakes his head and regroups. Now is not the time for existential crisis’, it’s time for Agent Phillip fucking Coulson to suit up and deal with what’s happening right now, namely a one “Tony Stark.”

* * *

Phil’s not quite sure how to go about this. Clearly the second he lets Tony out of the carrier its going to be mayhem. The question is whether all his alphas are going to fight over him… Carol had said that omegas ease the aggression between alphas in the same clowder, but he’s not sure how that applies to enhanced alpha cats. Perhaps if he sets the carrier down but leaves the door shut? Maybe he could get a handle on how they’ll react to him and each other. But if they get aggressive, they might not let him back over to even open the door to let Tony out. 

He holds Tony up and makes eye contact again, the poor thing seems to sense that Phil isn’t going to hurt him, and Tony makes his way towards the carrier’s door. He’s… very small. A lot smaller than the alphas, pretty much half their size. His eyes are big and brown, with jet black fur and what seems to be a small patch of white fur just under his neck… a Tuxedo cat perhaps?

Phil looks down at his 6 cats and wonders if they’ll even let him move from this spot. Will they attack him? The thought brings out a sadness Phil didn’t realize he could feel, the thought of the cats that have been so free with their affections for him, flipping to hating him. 

The cats all stare back at him, seemingly waiting to see what he’ll do. They clearly know Tony is an omega, that is obvious. Clint makes a very slow movement towards him, breaks eye contact to push his head into Phil’s leg, letting out a soft chirp. Phil makes his mind up then, takes a deep breath, and starts to kneel.

* * *

The cats all make room for him as he kneels, though their laser focus is back on the carrier. With one more deep breath, he unlatches the carrier door and sets it on the ground, so now the door is open, and Tony can get out.

None of the alphas move. Slowly, very very slowly, Tony makes his way out of the carrier. He stays low to the floor and keeps his tail tucked up under his belly, the very picture of submission. Steve, to Phil’s surprise, is the first to move, taking a step forward and then another. He leans his head down, making a soft noise in the back of throat.

And this is when Tony lunges for his face.

* * *

Tony bites Steve’s ear and sinks his claws into face. Steve jumps back, yowling, manages to shake Tony off. Tony lands on his feet and lunges for the next closest cat, who happens to be Bucky. Poor Bucky was coming to his brother’s defense, and now he’s also shrieking in pain and Tony does some sort of back flip off him to land on his feet.

Phil can’t believe this tiny omega is causing so much havoc, when just minutes ago Phil was scared he was going to get squashed under the alphas bulk. He stands there shocked while he watches Tony literally _chase the alphas_ around his living room, screaming his tiny little head off until all of the alpha cats are physically hiding, and Tony is left standing victoriously in the center of the carnage, hissing and spitting, pretty much daring any of them to come close. 

Phil has no idea what to do now. Should he try and get Tony back in the carrier? Maybe he could lock Tony in the bathroom? Buy a separate cage and try and get them used to each other? Phil thinks of everything Carol had told him about clowders and doesn’t remember any mention of _omega_ aggression. Could this be the result of the extremis that Stark had injected him with? While Phil is contemplating all of this, he and Tony both failed to notice Natasha using her stealth to sneak up behind the small omega until an ear piercing cry splits the air, and Natasha has him by the back of the neck _and oh my god she’s going to kill him I have to stop he-_

And then to Phil’s complete amazement, she lifts him up by the skin at his neck and Tony goes completely boneless, making the softest ‘mew’ sound like when he was in his carrier. She scruffed him! He remembers reading about that when he had first brought Clint home and was trying to do as much research as possible, to be a responsible owner. Mothers will scruff their kittens to carry them around, and alphas have been known to occasionally scruff omegas if the omega isn’t going where they want them to go.

Phil isn’t quite sure what Natasha’s plan is, but as he watches, Steve and Bucky both pop out from their respective hiding places. Both have blood on their faces, but the wounds seem to already be healed thanks to the super serum. They slowly make their way towards Natasha, who has now sat down with Tony still dangling by his scruff. Tony, who is making these soft little noises as he hangs in the air. Phil doesn’t think the boys would seek revenge, but he tenses up all the same as they crowd Tony, seeming to be non-verbally communicating with each other. 

Its Bucky who makes the first move, sticking his face into Tony’s tummy while Tony squeals, in either anger or fear, Phil’s not sure. As he watches, Bucky starts to aggressively groom Tony with long drags of his tongue across Tony’s belly and then moving on to his face, which he then rubs his chin all over, very clearly scent marking him. Tony is still making very upset noises but can do nothing but hang there and take it.

By this time, Steve has joined in with the grooming and scent marking, and Clint, Thor and Hulk have all come out of hiding and are now clustered around Natasha and Tony. They each take a turn, completely stunning Phil at the complete lack of aggression towards each other or even at Tony who only a little while ago was on a murderous war path.

Natasha sets Tony down so that his little feet are touching the floor but keeps her hold on his scruff. In the blink of an eye, she has switched places with Bucky, who now has Tony dangling in the air again so that Tasha can have her turn with grooming and scent marking.  
And with one last look at Phil, his cats all head for his back guest room, Bucky carrying Tony the whole way. Phil finally relaxes.

* * *

  
Phil doesn’t see Tony for another 3 days. He’s made the choice to allow his cats to handle their omega as they see fit, and clearly his guest room is their new nest if the sounds of ripping and tearing are anything to go by. He sees his other cats in small doses here and there, going to and from the kitchen to eat and drink, and they each even take a few seconds to rub at Phil’s legs, small little chirps letting Phil know they are okay.

He decides to move the food and water bowls and set them near the guest room door, hoping that that would help in some way and give Tony a chance to potentially eat and drink himself.

He’s on the couch in his living room reading over some mission reports when Tony comes bounding into the room, tail low and frantically looking over his shoulder. He spots Phil and makes a beeline straight for him, jumping up into his lap and worming his way into Phil’s robe until only his eyes and ears are visible. 

At that moment, Clint comes sauntering in, looking like he hasn’t a care in the world. He makes a lap around the living room, taking a moment to lie on the hard wood floor in a warm sun beam through the window. The entire act is clearly designed to look as casual and nonchalant as possible, but Phil knows that Clint sees everything even when it seems like he hasn’t a care in the world.

Tony’s eyes haven’t left Clint, and he’s smushed himself as far into Phil’s robe as he could possibly go. His little body is vibrating with what seems to be a growl, though Clint is pretending to not see or hear him. He gets up from the sunbeam and hops onto the couch, on Phil’s other side away from where Tony is hiding and lays himself back down and closes his eyes. 

For the next hour, Phil has both Tony and Clint as company. Clint fakes sleep perfectly, if Phil wasn’t a trained SHIELD agent, he doesn’t think he’d even be able to tell the difference. Tony is a very smart cat and seems to know that this is all a clever ruse designed to trap him, but he still relaxes in very small increments as the hour goes by. At one point, he even sticks his head out a little further to see what Phil is working on, and Phil swears he can see his little eyes moving from word to word as if he’s actually reading the page. Which, in hindsight, is entirely possible considering Phil has no idea what Extremis has done to the poor animal.

Phil takes a chance and slowly moves a finger towards Tony, stopping when Tony stiffens up. He lets him get used to his hand being so near, and eventually Tony himself pushes his head into Phil’s hand, letting out the softest chirp followed by an even softer purr. Phil melts just the tiniest bit on the inside.

In the end though, it would be Tony’s downfall.

* * *

Phil thought that Clint was simply waiting for Tony to come out on his own before striking, but he forgot the one fact about him; where he goes, Natasha follows. It was a set up from the beginning, Clint pretending to be asleep, waiting for Tony to let his guard down just enough that he sticks his head out a little more from Phil’s robe cocoon. That’s when Natasha, who had somehow made her way to the back of the couch without Phil even knowing, struck. In the blink of an eye, she lunged down and got Tony by his scruff once again and hauled him out of his hiding place. Next to him, Clint sat up smugly, clearly amused that their plan had worked so well. Tony let out a morose cry, a look of complete resignation settling over his face as Tasha manhandled him down to the floor, still dangling from her powerful mouth.

Tony made ‘help me’ eyes at Phil, who winced and whispered, ‘sorry buddy,’ as Tasha carried him back towards the guest room. Clint hopped down to follow, but not before getting into Phil’s lap and rubbing against him, purring as if to say, ‘good work’. Phil gave him exactly three back strokes and then Clint was gone, heading for their nest with a self-satisfied look on his face.

‘Well,’ Phil thought, ‘at least they still like me.’

* * *

The next time Phil saw Tony was a week later. Things had seemed semi quiet for the past couple of days, no sounds of furniture breaking, or fabrics being torn. Phil hesitated outside the cracked door to the guest room, wondering if it was worth it to try and peek in, or if that would set off the alphas and break the peace. He listened for a few minutes and could hear some deep purring and a few tiny chirps and trills. Just as he was starting to turn away, a ‘meow’ startled him near his feet.

Steve was staring back at him, a few more curious chirps almost as if he was asking a question. Phil sank down to his knees and Steve immediately started rubbing on him, allowing Phil to stroke down his back and scratch his ears, clearly loving the attention. Steve ended up by the guest room door, and suddenly he was tapping Phil’s hand with a paw and butting his head against the door, which Phil was pretty sure (and desperately hoping) Steve was asking him to come in. Standing back up and taking a deep breath, Phil gently nudged the door open and took in the scene before him.

The mattress was pushed off the bed and angled against the bed frame, making what appeared to be a small shelter. The covers had all been shredded and stuffed into the space beneath the mattress, along with the curtains and a coat Phil forgot he had hanging in the closet. All the furniture seemed to be scratched up in some way, with claw and bite marks, and the room had somehow been rearranged, everything is a different spot.

  
On the windowsill sat Bucky, who seemed to be on guard duty looking for outside intruders, if his eerie stillness was anything to go by. He glanced over at Phil and gave a very slow blink before refocusing outside. Clint was perched at the highest vantage point on top of a set of wooden shelves, clearly living up to his Hawkeye persona. He too gave Phil a slow blink before refocusing on the opening to the makeshift den under the mattress.

From his point by the door, he couldn’t see who was inside the shelter except for Natasha who had stuck her head out when she heard the door creak open. She trilled at him softly, and with Steve pushing on the back of his legs, Phil took a hesitant step inside the room. He could hear the deep purring from inside the den, extremely loud now that he was in the room. Steve walked him over towards the opening, looking back to make sure Phil was still following him. Steve greeted Natasha with a forehead nuzzle, before stepping inside and meowing for Phil to come look. 

Kneeling next to Tasha, Phil could feel the gaze of all the cat’s laser focused on his every move, though they all clearly trusted him enough if they wanted to let him see their omega in the nest. Tasha purred as he scratched behind her ears, and he finally was able to get a glimpse inside. It was stuffed full of blankets and different fabrics that had been shredded to form a soft layer of fuzz, and right in the middle were Thor and Hulk, both seemed to be snuggled together, their fluffy fur making them look like lions lazing in the afternoon sun. The purring was from both, though they stopped when they spotted Phil to let out a few chirps in greeting.

Where was Tony? He thought for sure he’d be in the nest, but perhaps he had managed to make it to the closet or under the dresser. Before he could look Steve climbed into the cat pile and stuck his face down in the fluff and fur between Thor and Hulks bodies and when he popped back up he had Tony by the scruff, gently maneuvering him so his head was visible to Phil.

They were lying on top of him! Phil had read about cat nesting before, but the websites claimed that you would almost never actually see the omega being nested on because they kept the den and nest so well protected. Tony’s eyes were glazed over, and he made his soft little chirping noises, clearly experiencing the omega ‘high’ that came along with being nested by alphas. 

Steve had begun licking his face, covering every inch he could reach outside of the other twos bulk and fur. Tony seemed to be coming back down, his eyes taking on a sharper look as he finally focused on Phil’s face peering in. He meowed pitifully, seeming to say “woe is me” as Steve messed up his fur with his stupid grooming and making big eyes at Phil.

  
“Hi buddy,” Phil said quietly. For all of Tony’s dramatics, he didn’t stop Steve from grooming him, and even let out the tiniest purr when Steve reached a spot that felt especially good. Once Steve had deemed his face finished, he gently nudged Tony back down under Thor and Hulk, each taking a turn to get a few licks in which prompted Tony to release sadder pitiful ‘mrows’. Phil snorted to himself, clearly Tony was a bit of a drama queen, and a bit of a pillow princess.

Now that Tony had been properly examined, Steve once again waited for Phil to stand up and the lead him back out into the hallway, waiting for Phil to leave the open a crack and then with a few more head rubs he finally made his way back into the room, leaving Phil feeling pretty good about how things might turn out. They still liked him, they let him see Tony, they were affectionate with each other and seemed to be taking good care of the omega. Apart from his destroyed guest room, Phil thinks it’s all actually going well.

As a seasoned SHIELD agent, he should have known better than to think it would be that easy. The unknown entity once again smiled its nasty smile.

* * *

The attempted break in happened later that month, on the very same night that Tony started his heat. Phil had just finished setting out the cat’s dinner dishes, a selection of a few different types of wet food he found online that were considered the best nutritionally for an expecting clowder. Phil wasn’t sure if they were expecting yet, the last time Phil saw Tony he hadn’t looked any bigger. 

The alphas now let Tony out of the nest for a few hours each day, if he was being supervised. They were quick to scruff him and carry him back to the nest at the slightest provocation, even if it was just a bird singing a little too loudly near the windows. But they trusted Phil, and Tony would often climb into his robe when he did any paperwork on the couch. Tony was especially fascinated with his laptop, and he’d once spent 3 hours just watching Phil type on it. Tony had settled into his role as omega it seemed, though he was still quite the drama queen when it suited him. He was known to flop down and cry pathetically when he wasn’t getting his way, whether that meant Phil wasn’t letting him play with his lap top mouse or if his favorite feather toy got stuck under the fridge again. His alphas were endlessly patient with him, but if he was getting too worked up, they had no qualms about just flopping right on top of him, forcing him into a nesting position right there on the kitchen floor. That very morning Phil had walked into the living room to find Tony screaming his little head off, and Bucky just dead weighted right on top of him, his muffled screaming slowing to a sad mewl before dissolving into his soft purr as Bucky started his aggressive grooming. Bucky had given Phil a long-suffering look, like ‘can you believe this punk?’ 

But as Phil was heading for his bedroom, he heard the tell-tale sound of an omega in heat. Phil had come across a few sound recordings during his research on clowders, and there was no mistaking the high-pitched squeal. He knew from his research that omegas were extra fertile during heats, so if Tony wasn’t already carrying, he soon would be. He had also read how alpha aggression ramped up during heats, so Phil wasn’t going to take any chances with trying to say goodnight to the cats in their room like he usually would.

  
He put some ear plugs in to block out the yowling and thanked the universe that he didn’t live close enough to other houses that might file a noise complaint against him. Unfortunately, he also didn’t hear the kitchen window being broken.

* * *

In the end, Phil wasn’t even needed. The three thugs sent by Hammer Industries had no way of knowing that they just broke into a house of horrors. With instructions to grab all the cats, they had brought a few burlap sacks and guns, thinking that would be more than enough to take down one single SHIELD agent and a bunch of shitty animals. They were wrong on both accounts, of course, but before Phil could even unleash his patented Agent Coulson, the cats took the thugs down in their own way. Violently and with a ton of gore.

It turns out that attempting to steal an omega from their clowder was a lot harder than it sounds, especially if said omega was _in heat_ and the alphas in said clowder were _genetically enhanced murder machines_.

Phil woke to the sounds of horror movie screaming, and upon throwing open his bedroom door, found a bloodbath waiting for him. The thugs hadn’t even made it past the living room before they were… dispatched. When Phil called it in the SHIELD, he gave explicit instructions to only have a single van with three body bags, and that no one was to enter the house. When Nick Fury himself pulled up with a horrified Maria Hill in the passenger seat, Phil carefully cleaned up what he could and loaded the back of the van. The three of them agreed to never, ever speak of this again.

Phil was very _very_ glad that his cats liked him.

* * *

It was two months after the _incident_ and Tony was very very pregnant. The gestation for omega cats was right around 3 months, but with Extremis Phil thinks he could pop any day now. 

Phil sits on his couch and watches as Tony is slowly dragged back down the hallway to the nest by a very agitated Steve Rogers. With Tony so close to giving birth, the alphas are on high alert, even more protective and possessive than usual, which is really saying something considering they dismembered three grown men. They are super particular about Tony leaving the nest now, but poor Tony is restless and just wants to play with Phil’s slippers and be pet behind his ears. They had allowed him out this morning to stretch his legs, and Phil couldn’t help cooing over the omegas big belly, petting down his back and telling him what a ‘good boy he is, such a good mama.’ Tony loved the attention and was very happy to be pet, but the alphas were strung extra tight that morning, circling the house, doing constant perimeter checks, one alpha staying right next to Tony the entire time. It was right when Tony let out a huge yawn that Steve, his bodyguard of the day, took that as a sign that Tony was too tired to be up and immediately scuffed him, and gently began the trek back to the nest. With Tony so pregnant, they couldn’t scruff him completely off the ground as that would pull on his belly too much, so instead they figured out they could scruff him and drag him across the houses wooden floors all the way to the nest.

Tony eyes are big and liquid as he stares at Phil, a truly pathetic sight that has Phil wincing and whispering ‘sorry buddy.’ Tony seems to understand though and with one last look at Phil he huffs and lets himself be resigned to his fate. Phil doesn’t quite know how to convey, _‘I’m sorry you can’t stay out and play longer but I am very scared of your alphas,’_ so instead he’s been leaving out all of Tony’s favorite foods for dinner every night.

Phil doesn’t blame the alphas though, they’re very perceptive cats and know that something is going on, something bad. Phil has been on the phone with Fury almost every day, both trying to figure out the Howard Stark dilemma. Phil cannot give the kittens to Stark; he _will not do it_. Fury warns him that if the kittens aren’t hand delivered, then Stark will try to take them by force, and both shudder thinking of three other men who tried that very thing.

‘But,’ Fury warns him, ‘Stark knows what happened to those men, and he will not make their same mistakes. He’ll come prepared, Phil.’

Phil looks over at Clint, who is watching him from his perch on the curtain rod above the window, body tense. ‘They know I’m worried, which is making them worried.’ Phil sighs and rubs his eyes, before continuing his search for a solution.

* * *

In the end, they are saved by the quick thinking and diabolical planning of a Pepper Potts and an Edwin Jarvis. 

Pepper was Howard Starks assistant, and Phil had worked with her on numerous occasions as an acting Agent of SHIELD. He knew she was smart, and kindhearted, and very much disapproved of nearly everything Howard Stark did. She was also the go between for Stark Industries and SHIELD regarding the ‘kitten situation,’ as Pepper called it. They had spoken a few times over the phone, and as Mr. Starks assistant, her hands were tied about what she could and couldn’t say. But she had stopped by exactly one time, in the middle of the night, two weeks ago. She had grasped his arm and said _‘Phil, I have a plan and I need you to trust me. Tell Howard that you’ll bring him Tony and the kittens right after they’re born.’_

Phil had wanted to protest, to tell her not to put herself in danger, but the fight in her eyes stopped him. There was something else here, something she wasn’t telling him, but he let it go and trusted her.

She had never used Tony’s name before.

When Phil asked him why Stark named the cat Tony, Fury had given a tired laugh and said, _‘he didn’t,_ ’ before hanging up.

* * *

The Wednesday after that fated night with Pepper, at exactly 3:23, 3:25, and 3:30 in the morning, Tony gave birth to three extremely beautiful, extremely loud kittens. Phil felt his heart soar as he looked the babies over, grateful that his cats trusted him so much, that Clint woke him up at 3:00am by jumping on his face and dragging him by his pant leg to the nest. Tony looked exhausted, clearly had been in labor for a few hours already. But he pushed his kittens out and took one look at their gooey faces and hasn’t stopped purring since. His alphas crowded around him, each taking turns licking Tony and then the kittens, and then Tony again. He could tell they were proud, all looking at him like ‘isn’t our omega amazing? Aren’t our kittens beautiful?’ Phil himself felt like a proud grandfather, watching his kids bring new life into the world. But when he finally felt himself sink back into reality; he felt the wave of absolute dread take over. He pulled his phone out and sent two messages, one to Fury and one to Pepper, a simple ‘ _three kittens_.’ He sent out a quick prayer to anyone who was listening, asking ‘please, please help them.’

And for once, the unknown entity smiled with joy.

* * *

On that same Wednesday night, around 8:00pm, Howard Stark died in a car accident. The official report said that his car hydroplaned on the road during a thunderstorm and they lost control. The SHIELD story was that Howard Stark was an alcoholic and had imbibed a little too much with his dinner before deciding to take a drive. The _real_ story was that Edwin Jarvis had raised a tiny black kitten with a single patch of white on his chest, had loved that little kitten so much, had named the kitten _Anthony_ but affectionally called him Tony. Edwin Jarvis had been Howard Starks butler for almost 20 years and learned a thing or two about what made Howard Stark tick. So, when Howard Stark took little Tony from him, and began experimenting on him, hurting him, Edwin got very _very_ angry.

So angry, that when Pepper Potts, Mr. Starks assistant, pulled him aside and asked for help saving Tony, Edwin had already formed a plan. Pepper herself had loved little Tony, a bright spot of light in the otherwise cold and empty Stark home, but when she found out what Howard had done to him, there was nothing she could do, no way for her to help him.

Except, suddenly there was.

There was a chance to right this wrong done by Howard Stark and Pepper, together with Edwin, would not fail Tony a second time.

Edwin Jarvis had cooked Mr. Stark his dinner that night, knew exactly what to say, exactly how much to pour into his glass to convince him that it was a lowly night for a drive. Had listened to him rave on and on about how _that damn cat was finally proving himself useful_. It was an open secret that Howard was a raging alcoholic, he knew that SHIELD would never think twice about why he had so much to drink on that particular night.

And interestingly enough, when SHIELD was searching for the files on all the research Howard had done on Extremis, and his plan to weaponize animals, pretty much anything Howard had ever written about Tony, it was all gone. Perhaps Howard had been lying all along? In fact, had anyone actually seen this supposed “enhanced cat”? When asked about a missing cat, Mr. Jarvis had tilted his head to one side, confused, _Master Stark hated animals and would never have allowed one in the house, I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about._

Pepper had never had so much fun destroying a few flash drives with a hammer before. 

* * *

  
In the end, Tony got to keep his kittens, and Phil’s cats got to keep their Tony. And Phil got to keep them all. All 10 of them.

_10._

10 cats living in his house.

Phil watches as the now 3-week-old kittens, Harley, Peter, and Morgan, all sprint in opposite directions, letting out loud shrieks of glee. Tony sits next to Phil on the couch, looking just as tired as Phil feels, but still manages his soft purr when Phil scratches between his eyes. Around them, the alphas have their hands full wrangling newly walking kittens. Steve and Bucky are attempting to catch Peter, a handsome little alpha with fluffy golden fur like Steve’s but dark blue eyes like Bucky’s (Phil has no idea what that means but he’s stopped questioning things at this point). Peter has the unique ability _to scale the walls and ceiling_. 

Clint and Tasha are trying to tag team Morgan, but Morgan seems to have taken after Natasha with her cougar like coloring, alpha orientation and _insane stealth abilities_ and has somehow disappeared. Tony doesn’t look worried, so Phil figures it’s okay. Morgan may look like Tasha, but her eyes are Tony’s all the way, big and brown and full of absolute chaos.

Last leaves little Harley, the only omega who, much like Tony, prefers a full-frontal attack and has attached himself onto Thor’s face and ear. Thor seems to be enjoying himself, but Hulk is chasing both of them, trying to get a hold of the baby and pull him off. Harley is the spitting image of Tony, but with much fluffier hair and eyes blue like Thor’s. They bump into a side table which causes the lamp to fall and shatter, but Phil just takes another sip of tea and Tony sighs a big sigh. 

Eventually, Tony decided to take pity on the useless alphas and lets out a sharp chirp, before flopping dramatically onto his side and exposing his belly. All at once, the kittens are racing toward their mama, pushing each other out of the way before they all manage to squeeze in between Phil’s thigh and Tony’s belly, where they begin to enthusiastically nurse. Tony takes his time licking each baby before flopping back down, and accepting the soft licks his alphas give him, all of them worn out but so so happy with their clowder.

Phil stands up to get a broom to clean up the broken lamp, seeing as how Mr. Jarvis and Ms. Potts are coming over for a visit today.

Is Phil a crazy cat person now? Unfortunately, yes. 

Is life with three kittens in a full clowder a chaotic nightmare? Also, yes.

Does Phil regret any of it? Not a single bit.

**Author's Note:**

> woooo fuck you howard stark! congratulations, you played yourself
> 
> I made up a lot about cat biology and body language, so don't take any of that as fact. Except for the slow blinking! That's "I love you" in cat
> 
> Thanks for reading! If you guys like it I thought about doing some one shots from the cats POV, idk if anyone would be interested in that. I wanted to add some smut, but it seemed weird to write from Phils POV, like hes watching his cat fuck lolol
> 
> Hit me up on tumbles I’m avengersfamilylove


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